masterpieceweirder

It's...

THE BRAND NEW ALBUM FROM TONY GOLDMARK

Masterpiece Weirder

Yes! After over two years in the making, the brand new Tony Goldmark album is finally here! It's 16 tracks, at over 48 minutes long. (For information on ordering, click here. You can also purchase it on Amazon.com!) It has 13 songs, one sketch and two "bonus cuts." Here is the track listing.

I'd Rather Merchandise
Performed by Fluff Mommy of Bad Guy Entertainment. You figure it out. Mad props to Chike McLoyd for giving me the impetus to write this song. Contains a sample of a song my mom wrote with Michael Ross and Gretchen Shields for the "Potty Animal" album.
Kill the Backstreet Boys
My big hit, and the song that kick-started this album into existence. I was lying around the house one day, watching MTV hoping in vain that they'd play a video from Weird Al's "Running with Scissors" album. Instead, they played the Backstreet Boys' "I Want It That Way" for the 2,000,000,000,000th time. At that point I realized that a song called "Kill the Backstreet Boys" needed to be written, and I was just the guy to write it. After experimenting with doing a musical parody of their work, I came upon the idea of a marching anthem and the whole thing seemed to click. Dr. Demento played it on his nationally syndicated radio show on April 9, 2000 and by September it had made it to the Funny Five five times (#4, 5/14/00; #3, 5/21/00; #2, 6/18/00; #2, 7/23/00; #3, 9/3/00) and that was enough to make it the ninth most requested song of that year. Special thanks to the boys themselves for not hearing about it, MP3.com for banning it solely because of its title, and music critic Dave Marsh for writing a column about it being banned.
Penguin on the Telly
Silly, silly, silly! A parody of Alanis Morisette's "Hand In My Pocket," as well as a tribute to the brilliant rapturous silliness of Monty Python's Flying Circus, the parody idea was actually the brainchild of "Blasted Bill" Putt, founder of Dementia Radio, where every Thursday night (when the server is working) you can hear my comedy music radio show "The Looney Bin." This song was played on the Dr. Demento Show on September 2, 2001, was #4 on the Funny Five on September 30, AND was included on the fan-club only CD Dr. Demento's Basement Tapes #10! Dedicated to the memory of Graham Chapman.
Ritaline
The one sketch on the album. You know those damn commercials for Ovaltine? Here's my explanation as to why those kids are insanely zombified. Played as an extra on the Dr. Demento Show Funny Five on September 23, 2001.
The Sign of a True D-Fan (w/ The Great Luke Ski)
A duet written and performed with my good friend The Great Luke Ski. About Demented Music in general but more specifically about its hardcore fans, this song contains a sample from the song "Demented Forever" from the film Cecil B. Demented. Luke had the concept for the song, he provided the music and he wrote the lion's share of the lyrics, but because my album came out first (due to the fact that I am less of a perfectionist) I get top billing! Yay!
The Ballad of Carson Daly
Imagine if you will that the date is August 1, 2011, the thirtieth anniversary of the launch of MTV. Imagine also that a bunch of country folk singers are gathered around the campfire outside the ol' MTV Time Square studios to salute one of the most notorious VJs.
Tech Support
A parody of "Last Resort" by Papa Roach, this song is dedicated to anyone who has ever destroyed their computer with a baseball bat in order to get it to cooperate. My mother, Kathi Kamen Goldmark, does the voice of the recorded message.
Moshin'
Everybody Break Stuff! Inspired by rockabilly acts like the Stray Cats, I wrote this song after discovering that most of those old rockabilly songs were about going out to dance, and it occured to me how much dates have changed in the last forty years. (When I performed it at Dementia 2001, Tim Ryan asked "What strange sex are you having with a martian?" to which I replied "What you do with your uncle is none of my business").
Knock Three Times
Okay, let me explain for the benefit of those out there less than 35 years old who do not listen to Oldies stations: This song is a parody of one of the most saccharine pieces of musical garbage ever, "Knock Three Times" by Dawn f/ Tony Orlando. The original was about a lovesick guy professing through song his love for the girl who lives in the apartment below him. This song is through the point of view of the guy who moved in after her; he's pissed off.
Leopard Skin
About a man driven insane by his girlfriend's unnatural (literally!) addiction. Based on a true story, only for me it was my mom.
Disney World
Another song which has been played on Dr. Demento (this one on April 30, 2000), this parody of "It's A Small World" and "The Mickey Mouse Club March" salutes what federal law dictates to be your favorite theme park. In four different languages!
Rhetorical Questions
The longest cut on the album, this spoof of folk-rockers' inability to answer their own questions was the second most requested song for the year 2001 on the San Diego radio show "Oldies and Oddities." It will be included on an upcoming compilation CD called Laughter Is A Powerful Weapon (Funny Musicians For A Serious Cause).
The Pirate Song
ARRRR! Avast there! YAAAAR! Another track featuring vocals by The Great Luke Ski (this time as a back-up pirate), the fifth verse (about the hook upon me hand) was excised before it could be played on Arkansas radio (y'know, because of the Bible belt). Luke Ski added a goat for no reason other than the goat's oh-so-natural albilty to be funny. Features Glamorous Accordion Princess "Big Lou" Seekins (formerly of Those Darn Accordions!) on accordion.
The Day Alfred Went Weird
A tribute to the musical comedy mastery of the one-and-only "Weird Al" Yankovic, this parody of Al's own "The Night Santa Went Crazy" reportedly made people cry when I performed it at ALCON 2000.
The Sign of a True D-Fan (Continued) (w/ the great Luke Ski)
Our original mix of "D-Fan" was almost eight minutes long; on this album we have split it in half.
Disney World (reprise)
Now it's time to say goodbye...

Credits: Tony Goldmark: Lead and Background Vocals, Kazoo, Slide Whistle, Tambourine, with:

Daniel "Wah Wah" Barry: Kid vocal and kazoo; Laura Barry: Kid vocal and kazoo; Sam Barry: Keyboards (2, 8, 9, 10, 12, 14, 16), Pennywhistle, Harmonica (6), Background vocals (14), Kazoo; Eddie "El Brujo" Caipo: Scratches; Roger Freet: Drums (7, 9); Kathi Kamen Goldmark: Phone operator (7), Background vocals (6, 9); David O. Golia: Bass Guitar (2, 7, 9, 11, 14); Hoagy Guitarmichael: Guitar (1); Paul Hettiger: Guitar, Bass Guitar & Keyboard (5, 15); Alex Katz: Announcer (4); Emily Katz: Kid vocal; Max Katz: Kid vocal; Christopher Kee: Bass Guitar (1, 6, 8, 10, 12, 13), Background Vocals (6); Carrie O. Kee: Instrumentals (3); Lea Kronenberg: Kid vocal and kazoo; West Kronenberg: Kazoo; Karen McMillan: Sampled vocal (5, 15); David Phillips: Guitar (2, 6, 8, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14); Henry Salvia: Keyboards (1); Glamorous Accordion Princess "Big Lou" Seekins: Accordion; The Great Luke Ski: Duet vocal (5, 15); Pirate vocal (13); Peter Tucker: Dr ums (1, 2, 6, 8, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14); Garth Webber: Guitar (7, 8, 9), Background Vocals (6, 9); Duane Wong: 12-String Guitar (12)

Locomotion: Pat Hilliard-Barry, Amy Katz, Esther Kronenberg

Produced by Joe Goldmark and Kathi Kamen Goldmark

Engineered by Eddie "El Brujo" Caipo and Garth Webber

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